212次|

2024年07月09日

猪头逛大街2 Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay英文字幕预览


1 00:00:39 #I see trees of green #
2 00:00:44 #Red roses too #
3 00:00:47 #I see them bloom #
4 00:00:50 #For me and you #
5 00:00:53 #And I think to myself #
6 00:00:58 #What a wonderful world #
7 00:01:06 #I see skies of blue #
8 00:01:10 #And clouds of white #
9 00:01:14 #The bright blessed day #
10 00:01:17 #The dark sacred night #
11 00:01:20 #And I think to myself #
12 00:01:25 #What a wonderful world #
13 00:01:32 #Yes #
14 00:01:34 #I think to myself #
15 00:01:39 #What a wonderful #
16 00:01:45 Yes, dude!
17 00:01:47 What the fuck? What the fuck?What are you doing?
18 00:01:49 I'm taking the most incredible dumpof all time, man.
19 00:01:52 You couldn't waittill I got out of the shower?
20 00:01:54 May I remind you thatwe both just ate 30 burgers...
21 00:01:58 and four large orders of fries?
22 00:02:02 Don't worry, in a little bit,I'm sure it'll hit you too.
23 00:02:04 It may be. But I'm gonna waittill you get out of the shower.
24 00:02:08 Well, don't wait too long. We've gotto leave for the airport in an hour.
25 00:02:11 Ooh, that burns.
26 00:02:12 - An hour?- Hey, and, Roldy?
27 00:02:16 Yeah?
28 00:02:17 Nice pubes.
29 00:02:20 Asshole, get out of here right now.
30 00:02:22 - Wipe and leave. Wipe and leave now!- Dude, this thing is huge!
31 00:02:25 I think it still has cheese on it.
32 00:03:55 dude. Oh, my Go...I just realized something.
33 00:03:57 What?
34 00:03:59 Maria's gonna think I'm a stalker, man.I'm following her to Amsterdam.
35 00:04:01 Dude, relax. I have a med schoolinterview in ten minutes.
36 00:04:05 You don't see me freaking out.
37 00:04:06 Don't worry, man,she'll be psyched to see you.
38 00:04:09 Oh, psyched? You thinkshe's gonna be psyched?
39 00:04:10 Totes, dude. Why wouldn't she be?
40 00:04:13 So how does this work?
41 00:04:14 We just... we show up in Amsterdamand we start calling hotels...
42 00:04:17 and ask if they havea Maria staying there?
43 00:04:19 - I don't even know her last name.- Dude, it's totally cool.
44 00:04:22 We're definitely gonna find her.
45 00:04:24 Amsterdam is a very small place.It's not gonna be...
46 00:04:25 Sir, I need you to step aside, please.Let me search you.
47 00:04:28 - Did I beep?- No, you didn't beep.
48 00:04:30 Just a random security check.
49 00:04:31 If you could just step aside, please?Just over here.
50 00:04:34 - Random, huh?- Yeah.
51 00:04:36 So this has nothing to dowith my ethnicity?
52 00:04:39 Kumar, just do what the guy says.
53 00:04:41 Sir, it's our job as airport security...
54 00:04:43 to search for all possible weaponsor illegal drugs.
55 00:04:46 So just because of the color of my skin,you assume that I have drugs on me?
56 00:04:49 - No, he's...- What are you, a racist?
57 00:04:50 Racist? Dude, I'm black.
58 00:04:53 He's black. He's not a racist.
59 00:04:56 Please, dude, you're barely even brown.
60 00:04:59 No, he didn't mean that.
61 00:05:01 Compared to me,you look like Matthew Perry.
62 00:05:02 Hey, who you calling Matthew Perry, bitch?
63 00:05:04 I'm calling you Matthew Perry,you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!
64 00:05:07 No, there's nobody herewho is Matthew Perry. No one!
65 00:05:09 What is going on here?
66 00:05:11 Sir, Matthew Perry over here thinksthat I have illegal narcotics on me...
67 00:05:14 because I'm a minority.
68 00:05:16 This is textbook racial profiling...
69 00:05:18 and I'd be more than happyto call the ACLU or the government...
70 00:05:20 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.Sorry for the inconvenience, sir.
71 00:05:22 - You can move along.- I appreciate it. Thanks, Matt Perry.
72 00:05:27 Hey, what are you doing?
73 00:05:28 What do you mean, what am I doing?He called me Matthew Perry.
74 00:05:30 Well, you look like Matthew Perry.
75 00:05:31 - He's white!- So what?
76 00:05:33 Why does everything have to becomea huge argument with you, man?
77 00:05:36 'Cause this is America, dude...
78 00:05:37 and as long as I have my freedomof speech, no one's gonna shut me up.
79 00:05:40 Kumar?
80 00:05:44 Roldy?
81 00:05:46 - Vanessa.- Oh, my God!
82 00:05:49 - Good to see you.- So good to see you. L...
83 00:05:52 - Hi. Hey.- Hey.
84 00:05:54 Hey.
85 00:05:55 God, it's been forever.What are you guys doing?
86 00:05:59 We're actually on our wayto Amsterdam.
87 00:06:01 - Amsterdam?- Yeah.
88 00:06:03 Well, you guys haven't changed.
89 00:06:04 You have. You look amazing.Your hair is diff...
90 00:06:07 - doesn't she look amazing?- Yeah.
91 00:06:10 Yeah, you look great.You look awesome. Sorry.
92 00:06:13 What am I even saying?You look different and...
93 00:06:16 - Kumar Patel, you're flustered.- Little bit.
94 00:06:21 So, what's up with you? You still datingthe Abercrombie-wearing douchebag?
95 00:06:26 Actually, it's Brooks Brothers.
96 00:06:28 Colton! How are you, buddy?
97 00:06:31 - Good to see ya.- Good to see you.
98 00:06:32 And we're not dating anymore.
99 00:06:34 No. We... are getting married.
100 00:06:37 Congratulations, you guys.
101 00:06:39 - You're fucking getting married?- Yeah.
102 00:06:42 - When?- Next week.
103 00:06:46 It's going to be a perfect day.
104 00:06:48 I mean, that's assuming we getthose Stargazer lilies for the bouquets.
105 00:06:50 This florist has beena complete nightmare.
106 00:06:52 Fucking assholes.
107 00:06:54 Colton's practically planningthe whole wedding all by himself.
108 00:06:57 So, Rold, Brewster Keegan letting youoff the leash for a little vay-cay?
109 00:07:00 I own that place now, Colton.
110 00:07:03 Thank you so much for the hook-up.
111 00:07:05 Hey, I ran into Todd,at Whitaker's, of course.
112 00:07:09 He told me you got a jobworking for the government.
113 00:07:11 Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dadwere in the same fraternity.
114 00:07:13 - Oh, that's right.- Oh, Jesus.
115 00:07:15 Yeah, yeah, when he gave my dad thatappointment at the defense department...
116 00:07:17 - I became his right-hand man.- Douche.
117 00:07:19 The President's supposed to beat our wedding...
118 00:07:20 - but you know how busy he is.- Yeah.
119 00:07:22 Sounds like an incredible job, man.
120 00:07:24 Hey, you really gotsome major connections to the top.
121 00:07:27 If you ever need anything, I'm your man.
122 00:07:29 - Thank you so much, buddy.- Anytime.
123 00:07:31 This guy's the best.
124 00:07:33 - So, sweetheart, we should get going.- Yes.
125 00:07:36 - Good to see you guys again.- Congratulations again.
126 00:07:39 - Thank you. Take care, thank you.- It's so nice.
127 00:07:41 - Bye.- Bye.
128 00:07:57 Dude, I can't believethey're getting married.
129 00:07:58 We've only been broken up two years.
130 00:08:01 Plus that dude has date-rape face.
131 00:08:03 I don't even know what that is.
132 00:08:05 One who possessesthe face of a date rapist.
133 00:08:07 Right. Listen...
134 00:08:11 I'm sorry, bro.
135 00:08:13 But we are going to Amsterdam.Come on.
136 00:08:16 This is true. This is true, Roldy.
137 00:08:25 - Man, this is so not like me.- Yeah.
138 00:08:28 It's like I'm a whole new Harold.Better, faster, stronger.
139 00:08:32 Nice.
140 00:08:33 Man, I've never used a sick day before.
141 00:08:34 I'm taking a whole week offfrom work here, man.
142 00:08:38 And in less than eight hours,we're gonna be in Amsterdam.
143 00:08:42 - This is nuts. This is nuts.- I know, dude.
144 00:08:44 It's gonna be exactly like Euro Tr/p,only it's not gonna suck.
145 00:08:46 - It's gonna be awesome.- It's not not gonna be awesome.
146 00:09:29 Dude. Dude, this chick's giving mesuch a boner, it's awesome.
147 00:09:32 Thank you. You ruined the moment.
148 00:09:36 She's all yours, buddy.
149 00:09:38 - You wanna pause it?- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
150 00:09:40 No, that's...
151 00:09:42 Enjoy.
152 00:09:54 Just a minute.
153 00:09:56 Fuc...
154 00:09:57 Hey, hey.
155 00:10:00 Let me in.
156 00:10:03 What are you doing?I'm taking a piss, asshole!
157 00:10:05 - Yeah.- Yo!
158 00:10:07 I'm not joiningthe mile-high club with you.
159 00:10:09 What about the really high club?
160 00:10:13 - Are you retarded?- No.
161 00:10:14 You brought weedon the fucking airplane?
162 00:10:16 - Yep.- What the fuck?
163 00:10:19 Wait a second. You were givingthat security guard shit.
164 00:10:21 Yeah. How else was Isupposed to get past him?
165 00:10:23 By not bringing drugs on an airplane?
166 00:10:27 - Look... What are you doing? What is this?- You'll see.
167 00:10:38 Harold Lee, I would like to introduce youto an invention of mine.
168 00:10:43 Meet the smokeless bong.
169 00:10:45 - You made this?- You know, I did.
170 00:10:48 When you were slaving away at work...
171 00:10:49 I was actually beinga productive member of society.
172 00:10:52 - Yeah, that's really productive.- Let me show you how it works.
173 00:10:56 So you take a little weed...
174 00:11:00 put it in the bowl right here andlight it just like a normal bong, OK?
175 00:11:03 Now here's the truly genius part.
176 00:11:05 Inside this mechanism, I haveactually made a little tiny, tiny fan...
177 00:11:10 and some disinfectant powder, OK,it works sort of like a deodorizer...
178 00:11:13 so that anything it expungessmells like Lysol.
179 00:11:16 - Put it away.- No, dude.
180 00:11:18 Can you not waittill we get to Amsterdam?
181 00:11:20 It's the weed capital of the world!
182 00:11:24 - No.- Put the bong away!
183 00:11:25 - Take the inaugural hit, dude.- No!
184 00:11:27 Come on, man.
185 00:11:28 - Then I'm gonna do it.- Put it away. Put the frickin' bong away.
186 00:11:36 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Turb...
187 00:11:45 Terrorist!
188 00:11:50 Roldy?
189 00:11:51 - What the fuck is that thing in his hands?- No, ma'am, not a terrorist.
190 00:11:53 - He's just an idiot.- This is just a bong.
191 00:11:56 He said he got a bomb!
192 00:12:01 No, people,it's a water pipe for tobacco.
193 00:12:04 No, no, no, it's not a bomb. It's just a bong.
194 00:12:14 Poison gas!
195 00:12:22 It's marijuana! Marijuana!
196 00:12:25 You picked the wrong plane,you terrorist fuck!
197 00:12:29 Hey!Hey, what are you doing?
198 00:12:32 There are three air marshalson board. Three!
199 00:12:35 We are not terrorists!Sir, that's a bong, not a bomb.
200 00:12:39 Shut up!
201 00:12:42 I got this one!
202 00:12:43 - Roldy?- Please don't!
203 00:12:44 I am in a great amount of pain!
204 00:12:47 Everybody relax. Just calm down.Everything is under control.
205 00:12:51 Tell 'em to turn the plane around. Thesetwo assholes are goin' back to the U.S.
206 00:13:20 Secretary Fox. Glad you could make it.
207 00:13:23 Think I'd miss a terrorist attackof this magnitude?
208 00:13:26 Not a fuckin' chance.
209 00:13:33 Who are these people?
210 00:13:35 Representativesof the different intelligence agencies.
211 00:13:38 I assumeSecretary Whitmore's coming?
212 00:13:41 Negative. He's on an ice fishing tripin Glacier Bay.
213 00:13:45 I'm in charge while he's gone.
214 00:13:47 Well, shouldn't he be alerted?
215 00:13:49 Isn't this issue of more importancethan an ice fishing trip?
216 00:14:00 Who are you again?
217 00:14:02 Dr. John Beecher,Vice Chairman of the NSA.
218 00:14:04 Yeah, well, listen, dr... dipshit.
219 00:14:08 You've obviouslynever been ice fishing before.
220 00:14:12 - No, I haven't.- Yeah, well, it's fucking exhilarating.
221 00:14:17 The last thing anyone would wantwhile fishing for pike is to be interrupted.
222 00:14:20 Now back off...
223 00:14:23 and let me do my job.
224 00:14:38 What's up with the guywith the weird eyes?
225 00:14:40 He handicapped or something?
226 00:14:43 We believe he's of Korean descent.
227 00:14:48 My God.
228 00:14:52 North Korea and al-Qaedaworkin' together.
229 00:14:55 This is bigger than I thought.
230 00:14:58 You couldn't wait?
231 00:15:00 You couldn't fucking wait?
232 00:15:02 We were about to haveall the legal weed we wanted.
233 00:15:05 You know, in Amsterdam,where we were going!
234 00:15:26 Thought you couldget away with this, huh?
235 00:15:32 You thought that after 9/11our national security was a joke, huh?
236 00:15:40 Well...
237 00:15:45 guess what?
238 00:15:47 What?
239 00:15:50 We knew you fuckers would be back.
240 00:15:52 - Holy shit!- But we're Americans, man.
241 00:15:54 - We love America. We love America!- Very much.
242 00:15:56 That's a convenient thing to say...
243 00:15:58 after you try and blow up a planefilled with Americans!
244 00:16:01 - No.- No, we didn't do...
245 00:16:02 No, you see, you have the wrong idea.
246 00:16:05 My idiot friend herebrought marijuana...
247 00:16:07 - on the plane.- Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.
248 00:16:08 Zip it, Hello Kitty. OK? I knowyour operation's funded through drugs.
249 00:16:13 No. This is typicalgovernment bullshit, sir. L...
250 00:16:14 - Hey, hey, hey. Shut up. Shut up!- L...
251 00:16:16 - No, I'm trying to explain it! Harold!- Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up!
252 00:16:22 Do we have the rightto make a phone call?
253 00:16:26 Yeah. Yeah!
254 00:16:27 I'm sorry. You want rights now.
255 00:16:31 You want freedoms right now.
256 00:16:34 Is it time? Is it freedom o'clock?
257 00:16:39 - Guess what.- What?
258 00:16:42 Where you guys are going,they have never even heard of rights.
259 00:16:48 Well, where are we going?
260 00:16:57 We're innocent men!We're innocent men!
261 00:17:02 I'm an innocent man.
262 00:17:05 I donate blood.
263 00:17:07 And toys for tots.
264 00:17:14 And now I'm in Guantanamo Bay.
265 00:17:16 See why I'm against paying taxes?
266 00:17:19 Hey! Hey.
267 00:17:21 Fuck you!
268 00:17:23 Dude, calm down, OK?
269 00:17:25 Look on the bright side.There's a sink. There's a toilet.
270 00:17:28 The pillow actuallylooks pretty comfortable.
271 00:17:33 OK. You don't speak to me, ever.
272 00:17:36 - Ever.- OK.
273 00:17:37 - No! Shut up!- OK.
274 00:17:42 So what are you guys in here for?
275 00:17:45 For giving the United Statesa taste of their own medicine.
276 00:17:52 - You guys are real terrorists?- Some call us terrorists.
277 00:17:56 Others call us heroes.
278 00:17:58 Screw that. You think you guysare heroes for killing innocent people?
279 00:18:02 It's 'cause of assholes like youthat we're even in this fucking place...
280 00:18:04 you fucking cowards!
281 00:18:05 Well, maybe if the people in your countrystopped eating donuts...
282 00:18:08 and started realizing what yourgovernment is doing to the world...
283 00:18:11 assholes like us wouldn't exist.
284 00:18:13 - Fuck you! Donuts are awesome!- They're delicious.
285 00:18:16 You like donuts?
286 00:18:18 Well, wait till you seewhat they make you eat in here.
287 00:18:21 - Yeah?- What do they make you eat in here?
288 00:18:23 L...
289 00:18:25 Ever hear of a cockmeat sandwich?
290 00:18:28 What's a cockmeat sandwich?
291 00:18:31 You're about to find out.
292 00:18:35 Right about now. Sucker.
293 00:18:41 All right, cockmeat sandwich time.You know the drill.
294 00:18:45 What about them? They just got here!
295 00:18:51 Big Bob's taking care of them.
296 00:18:53 - Big Bob.- Big Bob?
297 00:18:55 I hope you like donuts.
298 00:18:57 Let's go to work. Hey, listen, guys, enjoy.
299 00:19:03 Holy shit.
300 00:19:04 Oh, yeah, that's it.
301 00:19:07 - This is not good.- No, Kumar, it is not good.
302 00:19:11 - I've never had to suck a dick before.- Me neither.
303 00:19:13 I bet it sucks dick.
304 00:19:17 Shit, dude.
305 00:19:19 Please don't let it be Big Bob.Please don't let it be Big Bob.
306 00:19:21 Please don't let it be Big Bob.Come on.
307 00:19:24 Please don't let it be Big Bob.Please don't let it be Big Bob.
308 00:19:27 Please don't let it be Big Bob.
309 00:19:28 - Please don't let it be Big Bob.- I'm Big Bob.
310 00:19:30 - Fuck.- Yes, you are.
311 00:19:35 You boys readyfor your cockmeat sandwich?
312 00:19:39 No?
313 00:19:40 Well, you better get hungry real fast...
314 00:19:42 'cause I got a whole lot of sandwichwaitin' for ya.
315 00:19:46 Holy shit!
316 00:19:48 - All right, let's get goin'.- Hold on, hold on, hold on, Big Bob...
317 00:19:51 I got to ask you a questionbefore this all goes down.
318 00:19:55 - All the guards in Guantanamo are gay?- Fuck, no!
319 00:19:58 Ain't nothing gayabout getting your dick sucked!
320 00:20:01 You're the ones that's gayfor suckin' my dick!
321 00:20:03 - What?- In fact...
322 00:20:05 creeps me outjust bein' around you fags.
323 00:20:09 - But...- All right.
324 00:20:10 - Wait...- Get down on your knees...
325 00:20:12 - and open your mouths.- Please, Big Bob.
326 00:20:14 Why don't you justkick our ass instead?
327 00:20:15 - Get on your fucking knees!- All right. All right.
328 00:20:18 - All right, all right, all right, all right.- You go first, dude.
329 00:20:21 Hope you boys like extra mayo.
330 00:20:24 - Jesus, Kumar.- Oh, I hate you so much!
331 00:20:26 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
332 00:20:28 God, his dick smells like shit, dude.
333 00:20:35 Holy shit!
334 00:20:38 - What the hell happened?- That terrorist fuck bit my dick!
335 00:20:47 - Come on.- Wait, wait, wait, wait a second!
336 00:20:49 Should we?What if they kill us out there?
337 00:20:52 They're gonna fucking make ussuck their dicks if we don't.
338 00:20:53 We're gonna die in here. Come on.
339 00:20:58 - Fuck. Fuck.- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
340 00:21:01 - Shit. Shit.- Fuck. Fuck.
341 00:21:03 - Shit. Shit.- Fuck. Fuck.
342 00:21:05 - Oh, shit! Get out!- Fuck!
343 00:21:07 Oh, shit. Shit.
344 00:21:09 Door, door.
345 00:21:16 Look, look, look.
346 00:21:17 What the fuck is he doing?
347 00:21:31 We've got to gonow, now, now, now, now!
348 00:21:36 It smells like burnt asshole.
349 00:21:42 I can't fucking believe this.
350 00:21:46 Fuck!
351 00:21:51 My wrist is swelling, man!
352 00:21:52 - Shut up.- We're gonna die in a jungle!
353 00:21:54 - Shut up!- Fuck!
354 00:21:56 Watch out for cheetahs!This is cheetah turf.
355 00:22:01 - What?- OK. Fuck.
356 00:22:03 We hit ocean.What do we do now?
357 00:22:06 All right.
358 00:22:08 Hey, look, look!
359 00:22:14 Excuse me.
360 00:22:16 You guys going to America?
361 00:22:19 Yes, we're going.
362 00:22:21 Thank you.
363 00:22:24 I'm telling you, Jorge...
364 00:22:25 the first thing you have to dowhen you get to America...
365 00:22:27 buy a device called TiVo, OK?
366 00:22:30 Freedom means nothing if you'rea slave to regular programming...
367 00:22:33 I promise you that.
368 00:22:34 And now, how about you focus?
369 00:22:36 We gotta figure out what to dowhen we get to the States.
370 00:22:38 We don't have wallets. We don'thave any Id. We've got nothing.
371 00:22:41 Well, I figure we're gonna landsomewhere around Miami, right?
372 00:22:45 There's only one guy we knowwho lives down there.
373 00:22:47 - Who do we know that... Raza.- Yeah.
374 00:22:50 We gotta go see Raza.
375 00:22:55 - Thanks again.- What nice people.
376 00:22:57 Man, South Florida here we are.
377 00:23:00 OK. So, now how do we get to Raza's?
378 00:23:02 The professional way.We walk. Let's go.
379 00:23:04 - Walk?- Yeah.
380 00:23:06 So I guess Raza's...
381 00:23:08 - We'll find it, we'll find it....thataway. Yeah.
382 00:23:23 - Wow, Raza's place is pretty sweet.- Kinda ghetto for Miami.
383 00:23:34 - Hi.- Hey.
384 00:23:38 Y'all aren't here to complainabout the noise, are you?
385 00:23:41 No. We're not...here to complain about the noise.
386 00:23:45 We're...
387 00:23:50 We are here to see...
388 00:23:51 - What is his name? We're here...- Vagina.
389 00:23:53 No, we're here to see Raza.
390 00:23:57 OK. Follow me.
391 00:23:59 Thank you, ma'am.
392 00:24:01 We'll follow... you, I guess.
393 00:24:17 Hey.
394 00:24:19 - Very patriotic of you.- Thank you.
395 00:24:22 - Hey, guys.- Hey.
396 00:24:26 - Hey, Raza!- What?
397 00:24:29 What's up?
398 00:24:30 - Kumar and Roldy?- What's up, man?
399 00:24:31 I haven't seen you guyssince graduation.
400 00:24:34 What are you guys doing here?
401 00:24:36 Wait, what's upwith the orange jumpsuits?
402 00:24:38 - Hey, no, no, question number one...- It's kind of a long story. L...
403 00:24:40 ...what's up with this party?- What do you mean?
404 00:24:42 There's exposed vaginaall over your house.
405 00:24:44 Yeah. That was my idea.
406 00:24:46 I don't know about you guys,I'm sick of all the hype over topless.
407 00:24:50 Really? I always liked toplessness.That's...
408 00:24:53 - That's just me.- Yeah? Well, I'm starting...
409 00:24:54 the bottomless trend.Hence, the bottomless party.
410 00:24:57 So what are you guys doingin South Beach?
411 00:24:58 How about you answer that question?I'm gonna go check this out.
412 00:25:00 - Where are you going?- Bang bang, buddy.
413 00:25:02 Listen. I'm really sorryto bother you with this.
414 00:25:05 - You all right?- Not really.
415 00:25:09 They were locked up for less thanan hour, and they already escaped?
416 00:25:12 Damn it. Make sure the pressdoesn't get wind of this.
417 00:25:15 Don't need the public thinkingwe're some two-bit operation.
418 00:25:17 Got it, sir.
419 00:25:18 It must have been either al-Qaedaor North Korea who broke 'em up.
420 00:25:20 Find out if they haveany relatives in the country.
421 00:25:22 You probably should havedone that in the first place.
422 00:25:30 Do you have a problem with the wayI'm running the show, Beecher?
423 00:25:35 I'm just saying that...
424 00:25:37 I've looked through the fileson Harold Lee and Kumar Patel.
425 00:25:41 They were both bornand raised in New Jersey.
426 00:25:43 Other than a couple of traffic tickets,they're clean.
427 00:25:44 Right. That's whythey just broke out of prison.
428 00:25:47 But they... lt's not even clear that theyshould have been there in the first place.
429 00:25:50 Shut your...
430 00:25:59 You see this cute, little white girl,Beecher?
431 00:26:01 Yeah.
432 00:26:02 Do you want her to get rapedand murdered?
433 00:26:07 Of course not.
434 00:26:08 You sure? 'Cause this is America.
435 00:26:12 - Do you want to rape America?- No.
436 00:26:15 Then stop fucking with me.
437 00:26:23 This is serious.
438 00:26:25 She's adorable.
439 00:26:29 So you guys are fucking fugitives?
440 00:26:31 It's just it's Kumar's fault.
441 00:26:33 If we get out of this...
442 00:26:35 the chances of us remaining friendsis highly...
443 00:26:39 highly... boobies. Yeah.
444 00:26:40 Hey, what do you think you're doing?
445 00:26:42 Put that back on. And keep it on.
446 00:26:44 - Sorry.- Fuckin' party do you think this is?
447 00:26:47 Yo. What are you guys talking about?
448 00:26:49 Roldy was just letting mein on your situation.
449 00:26:51 - Yeah?- Thanks for getting me involved.
450 00:26:53 What about that fuckin' timewe had to cover for you...
451 00:26:55 lie to your ex-girlfriendabout how you got crabs?
452 00:26:57 You owe us, man.
453 00:26:58 - Yeah, that's right.- What?
454 00:26:59 - OK, that was a long time ago.- I love crabs.
455 00:27:01 Speaking of ex-girlfriends...
456 00:27:03 isn't yours getting marriedor something?
457 00:27:05 How does everybody know about thisexcept for me?
458 00:27:07 Wait.
459 00:27:09 Colton! Colton Graham can help us out.
460 00:27:12 - No! Fuck that!- Yes!
461 00:27:13 No doubt. If anyone couldclear your names, it's him.
462 00:27:16 No, I'm sorry.That dickweed is not helping us.
463 00:27:17 Wait a second.Do you have his contact info?
464 00:27:19 Not anymore. But the wedding isat his family's estate in Hewitt, Texas.
465 00:27:24 But you don't want to bother themwhen they're doing their whole...
466 00:27:26 wedding thing, right?
467 00:27:30 You know,that actually might be our only hope.
468 00:27:33 Fuck! How do we get there? We can'tgo to the airport. They're looking for us.
469 00:27:36 - I'll loan you one of my cars.- Really?
470 00:27:38 But first... y'all got to getin the spirit of the party.
471 00:27:42 - What do you mean, spirit of...- What do you think I mean?
472 00:27:46 - What about you?- Me? I've been in the spirit.
473 00:27:50 - Oh, God!- Oh, my God, dude!
474 00:27:52 Oh, my God!
475 00:27:53 - Love your dickdo, Raza.- Yeah. Drink it in.
476 00:27:55 - What the fuck?- That looks like Osama bin Laden's beard.
477 00:27:58 I know, right? All right, boys.
478 00:28:00 Your turn. Let 'em dangle.
479 00:28:04 - Let's just do it.- Bring it.
480 00:28:06 Count of three?
481 00:28:08 One.
482 00:28:10 Two, three.
483 00:28:13 Your cocks are awesome, man!
484 00:28:16 That's not even necessary.
485 00:28:18 - Would you please...- Oh, my dick!
486 00:28:20 #My dick cost a late-night fee #
487 00:28:23 #Your dick got the HIV #
488 00:28:25 #My dick plays onthe double feature screen #
489 00:28:27 #Your dick went straight to dVd #
490 00:28:30 #My dick bigger than a bridge #
491 00:28:32 #Your dick look like a little kid's #
492 00:28:35 #My dick large like the Chargers,the whole team #
493 00:28:38 #Your shit look like you 14 #
494 00:28:39 #My dick locked in a cage, right #
495 00:28:42 #Your dick suffer from stage fright #
496 00:28:44 #My dick so hot it's stolen #
497 00:28:47 #Your dick look like Gary Coleman #
498 00:28:49 #My dick pink and big #
499 00:28:52 - This car is frickin' sweet.- Yeah, yeah, it's sweet.
500 00:28:56 'Cause we're fugitives.
501 00:28:58 Driving a yellow convertiblewith the top down, dressed like assholes!
502 00:29:01 Yo. Yo. Yo, look, he hasone of these things.
503 00:29:04 - Would you put that down?- No, you can hook up to the Internet.
504 00:29:06 You can play M/ke Tyson's Punch-Out//on it. King Hippo's going down.
505 00:29:08 Put that away. Put that away.
506 00:29:10 I can't believe you can even think aboutplaying games at a time like this, man.
507 00:29:14 You realize what would happenif our parents found out about this?
508 00:29:17 You have sent our sonsto Guantanamo Bay?
509 00:29:20 This is an outrage!
510 00:29:23 You Arabs think you can just mix inwith our peaceful society...
511 00:29:26 and we're not gonna find you, huh?
512 00:29:28 I am not Arab! I am Indian!
513 00:29:30 Look, Chief. I'm not here to argueseblantics with you, OK?
514 00:29:35 I'm here to save lives.
515 00:29:37 Ask the Lees what they knowabout their son's terrorist activity.
516 00:29:50 Look, we have been American citizensfor over 40 years.
517 00:29:53 Now, frankly, I find this very offensive.
518 00:29:59 They're using some sort of dialectI've never heard before.
519 00:30:03 But I'm pretty sure he said somethingabout going on the offensive.
520 00:30:09 Tell them we knowwhat their son is up to...
521 00:30:12 and if they don't cooperate,he could be sentenced to death.
522 00:30:16 Hit 'em. Yeah.
523 00:30:22 We know what he said!
524 00:30:24 Sir, Harold and Kumar are good boys.
525 00:30:31 I'm a pretty good translator.
526 00:30:33 It's total gibberish.
527 00:30:37 They may be trying to stonewall us.
528 00:30:39 Are you sure you speak Korean, Jack?
529 00:30:42 You speak Korean?
530 00:30:43 You're not fucking with daddy, are you?
531 00:30:45 Do you have a mastersin romantic Korean literature?
532 00:30:49 Because I do...
533 00:30:51 and I'm offended.
534 00:30:53 Good enough for me.
535 00:30:55 Look, excuse me...
536 00:30:58 we're not looking to hurt your sons...
537 00:31:00 we just wanna know where they are.
538 00:31:02 Do you know if they know anybodyin Florida?
539 00:31:06 Their friend Raza Syed lives in Miami.
540 00:31:10 But why would they be there?
541 00:31:11 He's supposed to be in medical school.
542 00:31:13 They are supposed to be in prison!That is where terrorists belong!
543 00:31:21 These fuckers are goin' down.
544 00:31:23 Dead. Or alive.
545 00:31:25 Tell them that in your fakeching-chong language.
546 00:31:31 Shut up! You're an idiot.
547 00:31:34 I don't know what you're saying, buddy...
548 00:31:37 but fuck you.
549 00:31:38 - Fuck me?- Will you let him talk to you like that?
550 00:31:39 - Listen, no, sit down.- Fuck me?
551 00:31:49 Hey, look, man, we're in Alabama.
552 00:31:53 Wow, we actually get a first-hand lookat the South, huh?
553 00:31:55 Hey, this wasn't supposed to be a tripthrough the South, OK?
554 00:31:58 This was supposed to bethe most romantic week of my life.
555 00:32:01 Remember that? Before youfucked it up? You remember that?
556 00:32:04 Just chill, OK?We'll be out of this situation.
557 00:32:06 You'll be up in Maria's gutsin no time, all right?
558 00:32:09 Hey. She's not some skank, man.
559 00:32:13 I've never felt this wayabout anyone before, really.
560 00:32:19 What the fuck?Why am I talking to you about this?
561 00:32:21 It's not like you would understand, so...
562 00:32:40 Excuse me, please.Will you turn that off? This is a library.
563 00:32:47 What a fucking chode.
564 00:32:49 Thank you, come again!
565 00:32:57 - What the fuck?!- Oh, my God.
566 00:32:59 You know, the whole reasonpeople come to the stacks...
567 00:33:01 is for some peace and...
568 00:33:05 quiet.
569 00:33:06 Look, I know, I'm sorry. I hate itwhen people disturb me here too.
570 00:33:09 It's just this fucking calculus finalis killing me.
571 00:33:14 - Do you mind if I take a look?- No.
572 00:33:18 - You're actually very close. May I?- Yeah.
573 00:33:22 Excuse me.
574 00:33:28 I touched your breast.
575 00:33:30 - It's OK.- Sorry.
576 00:33:36 You just go...
577 00:33:40 Wow. You're good at this.
578 00:33:42 Thanks.
579 00:33:44 What did you, like, take calculusin high school or something?
580 00:33:47 Actually, my dad taught it to mein sixth grade.
581 00:33:50 What, are you like doogie Howser?
582 00:33:52 No. Although that would be incredible.He's my hero.
583 00:33:55 I love that show.
584 00:33:59 What are you working on there?
585 00:34:01 This is just a poemfor my creative writing class.
586 00:34:04 It's like...
587 00:34:06 - "The Square Root Of Three"?- No, no, I'm sorry...
588 00:34:08 - "A poem of love by Kumar Patel."- I need this.
589 00:34:11 - Hey, let me read it.- No, no.
590 00:34:13 - Why?- Because it's lame.
591 00:34:15 Then read it to me.
592 00:34:16 There's no way I'm letting you see mein that light. Good luck with your calculus.
593 00:34:21 Come on, don't be embarrassed. Youknow, a lot of girls find intelligence sexy.
594 00:34:25 Look, I'm not even gonna beshowing this to my professor, all right?
595 00:34:28 That's why I'm so stressed outright now.
596 00:34:31 Stressed out, huh?
597 00:34:33 Come with me.
598 00:34:36 ...going?- Come on.
599 00:34:41 What?
600 00:34:48 You're smoking drugs in the library?What if somebody catches us?
601 00:34:52 Don't worry. It'll help you relax.
602 00:34:55 Oh, boy.
603 00:34:57 It's illegal.
604 00:35:08 Here.
605 00:35:17 This is poison.
606 00:35:21 Let me help you.
607 00:35:42 I'm Kumar.
608 00:35:45 Vanessa.
609 00:35:47 You're still not reading that poem.
610 00:36:03 Kumar.
611 00:36:09 Kumar.
612 00:36:10 Kumar. Kumar.
613 00:36:12 - Kumar.- Yeah.
614 00:36:14 What's going on? We're in Birmingham,Alabama. Are we supposed to be here?
615 00:36:17 What's going on?
616 00:36:19 - Why did you bring us here, dude?- What do you mean, why did l...
617 00:36:22 You were supposed to be following thedirections, asshole. What do you mean?
618 00:36:25 There's got to be like a highwayor something, right?
619 00:36:27 Yeah, there's got to be a highway.
620 00:36:31 What's going on up there?
621 00:36:38 What the hell is this?
622 00:36:43 - I'm turning around.- Nah, just go through, man.
623 00:36:47 Dude, we're not drivingthrough this basketball game.
624 00:36:49 You know, Roldy, I really thoughtyou were bigger than this.
625 00:36:51 Dude, I'm not scared'cause they're black.
626 00:36:54 I'm scared because they're scary.
627 00:36:55 And it's not like we gotGregory Hines out there.
628 00:36:58 They're not that scary.
629 00:37:00 It's my ball!
630 00:37:03 Turn around.
631 00:37:12 - Fuck! It won't move!- Shit, dude.
632 00:37:18 - That's not good.- Now there's no music, man.
633 00:37:19 Shit, man.
634 00:37:21 - Motherfucker!- My Jordans, nigga!
635 00:37:24 - Shit, this isn't good.- This is not good. This is not good.
636 00:37:27 No. No. No.
637 00:37:30 They're coming over here.
638 00:37:32 - Fucking shit. Why did you do that?- Yeah, I hit a fire hydrant on purpose.
639 00:37:37 They're getting weapons, man.
640 00:37:39 All right, what do we do?What do we do?
641 00:37:41 Run, run, run. Run, run.
642 00:37:49 Yo. Yo.
643 00:37:52 - Where y'all going? Damn!- We was just trying to help.
644 00:37:55 Man, somebody call the police.We need to report this.
645 00:38:14 - Yeah, that's right. You like the ride?- Fuck you, man.
646 00:38:18 They abandoned it last night.It's registered to a Raza Syed.
647 00:38:23 The witnesses' descriptionof the driver and passenger...
648 00:38:25 match that of Lee and Patel.
649 00:38:30 We tried bringing in Syed last night,but he's already left the country.
650 00:38:35 Well, they know we're closing in on 'em,that's why.
651 00:38:38 OK. No, I'll give you a call. All right.
652 00:38:42 No, no, no, no!
653 00:38:44 - Holy shit!- Easy, easy!
654 00:38:46 - Easy.- Easy!
655 00:38:47 This is our witness.
656 00:38:49 Put it down! Yo, put it down!
657 00:38:56 So, you saw the fugitives, huh?
658 00:39:00 Yeah. It was likeI was telling the Sheriff...
659 00:39:03 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.How do I know you're telling the truth?
660 00:39:07 I don't have a reasonto lie to you, man.
661 00:39:09 Really?
662 00:39:10 - Get up in your face, man.- We'll see.
663 00:39:15 Where's he going?
664 00:39:19 What's going on?
665 00:39:24 Hell no!
666 00:39:25 Now why don't you tell mewhat really happened?
667 00:39:28 Is that grape soda?
668 00:39:29 What the fuck, yo?
669 00:39:34 - All right.- Hold on, hold on, hold on!
670 00:39:36 This is so ignorant.
671 00:39:38 - Really?- Yes.
672 00:39:40 Is this ignorant?
673 00:39:42 Yo, that's racist, man. That's racist.
674 00:39:45 Hey, Jon, are you gonna let him do that?
675 00:39:47 See if he got Kool-Aid.
676 00:39:50 Almost gone, witness.
677 00:39:52 Sure there's not somethingyou wanna tell me?
678 00:39:54 I'm not stoppin' until you crack!
679 00:39:56 I already told youthat they took off runnin'!
680 00:39:57 All right, all right, all right.
681 00:39:58 This isn't necessary!Mr. White is telling you the truth!
682 00:40:01 Yeah, and how can you beso sure, Beecher?
683 00:40:03 'Cause he doesn't have a police record.He's an orthodontist, for Christ's sake.
684 00:40:09 OK, then, Beech. How do youpropose we find the terrorists, huh?
685 00:40:14 There was a Nokia 7710taken from the console.
686 00:40:17 We have its tracking numbers.
687 00:40:18 Our satellites are running a trace on it,as we speak.
688 00:40:24 What's going on? Where are you?
689 00:40:25 Dude, that is a fucking long story.
690 00:40:26 We're actually in Alabama right now,heading to Texas.
691 00:40:31 What is that sound? Are you jerking offagain? What are you doing?
692 00:40:33 I'm taking a glorious pee-pee.
693 00:40:35 Hey, listen, you're not gonna believe this...
694 00:40:37 but the other night,I ended up at that Asian party...
695 00:40:40 and I schtupped Cindy Kim.
696 00:40:43 Shut the fuck up. Are you serious?
697 00:40:45 Yeah, man,she even gave me a blumpkin.
698 00:40:47 What is a blumpkin?
699 00:40:48 It's when a girl gives you head whileyou're sitting on the toilet takin' a shit.
700 00:40:51 Really?
701 00:40:53 - Hello?- Hey. Hey! What are you doing?
702 00:40:55 Hello? Come, come?
703 00:41:00 Did you go?
704 00:41:01 Yeah, I'm done.
705 00:41:03 You said to me we were gonnacross swords. You promised.
706 00:41:06 I'm sorry, sweetheart.
707 00:41:09 Are you talking on a cellphonewhen the government is looking for us?
708 00:41:12 Dude, it was just Goldstein.I had something important to tell him.
709 00:41:15 It's 'cause you had something...That's good, that's OK.
710 00:41:17 Nothing is more importantthan finding a way to get to Texas.
711 00:41:22 - Do you get it?- Yes.
712 00:41:23 We've been walking an entire dayand we have not seen a street sign.
713 00:41:28 Do you get it?
714 00:41:29 - Can I say...- Again. This is... I can't.
715 00:41:32 Dude, honestly...
716 00:41:33 you've got to be a little more positiveabout these things, all right?
717 00:41:37 - Yeah?- Positive about what? I don't...
718 00:41:40 First of all, look at this beautifulAlabama landscape, OK?
719 00:41:44 You don't get shit like this in New Jersey.
720 00:41:47 God, you...
721 00:41:49 Hey, look, dude.
722 00:41:50 It's a baby deer.
723 00:41:53 - Wow. Man.- Shit.
724 00:41:59 Hey. Hey.
725 00:42:02 Look how cute this deer is, dude. Notlike those asshole deer in New Jersey.
726 00:42:06 I know, man.
727 00:42:07 - Hey, buddy.- Dude, Alabama's awesome.
728 00:42:10 He likes you.
729 00:42:12 - Oh, my God!- No!
730 00:42:18 Sorry about that. I was in my zone.
731 00:42:24 What the hell are y'all doing out herein them fancy clothes?
732 00:42:28 We were on our way to Texasand we got lost.
733 00:42:30 Texas?
734 00:42:33 You're a long way from Texas.
735 00:42:36 No!
736 00:42:40 Born in '04.
737 00:42:43 Get in here.
738 00:42:48 Yeah. The sun's about to go down.
739 00:42:51 - Y'all need a place to stay? Ya hungry?- Yeah, sure.
740 00:42:55 You want to follow me?
741 00:42:58 Come on.
742 00:43:01 Maybe we shouldn't.
743 00:43:03 It's already dead.You need a hand, dude?
744 00:43:07 My grandpappybought this land in 1902.
745 00:43:09 Very nice, sir.
746 00:43:12 This place is gonna suck.
747 00:43:18 Honey, I'm home.
748 00:43:27 I'm in here.
749 00:43:32 I wish you'd-a told meyou was bringing guests home.
750 00:43:35 I'da straightened up in here.
751 00:43:37 Fellas, this is my wife Raylene.
752 00:43:39 Raylene, meet Harold and Kumar.
753 00:43:42 Hello.
754 00:43:43 Can't shake.I've just got... deer head all over me.
755 00:43:47 - Nice to meet you.- Nice to meet you boys.
756 00:43:50 - You just make yourselves at home.- Thank you.
757 00:43:52 Honey, something's wrongwith that dSL.
758 00:43:54 Every time I go on the online,it says, "Searching for server."
759 00:43:57 You try unplugging the AirPort base?
760 00:43:59 Yeah, I done did that but it didn't work.
761 00:44:01 What you need to go online fors,anyways?
762 00:44:03 I was gonna get one of themnew portable satellite radios.
763 00:44:06 What the fuckyou need a satellite radio for?
764 00:44:08 Don't you be cussin'when we got company over.
765 00:44:11 - Guys.- Please don't worry about us.
766 00:44:12 We cuss all the time.
767 00:44:13 Who do you think you is, hitting me?
768 00:44:15 Who do you think bought youthat Prada bag?
769 00:44:17 I told you I wanted a Gucci one.
770 00:44:19 The Gucci bag cost more!
771 00:44:20 Well, Jan Sapperstein's husbandsure could afford it.
772 00:44:22 Here we go again with Jan Sapperstein.
773 00:44:25 I don't give a rat's ass what that bitch got.
774 00:44:27 You be happy with what you have.
775 00:44:28 What I have is a husbandwho ain't worth a turd!
776 00:44:31 You wanna give me shit now?
777 00:44:32 - That's right!- After everything I let you buy!
778 00:44:34 Even look at the credit card bills?
779 00:44:36 ...you buy?! Do you think we needanother set of golf balls?
780 00:44:39 - Even worse is the credit card miles.- Stinky, smelly, motherf...
781 00:44:41 Guys, we're just gonna get out of here.
782 00:44:43 Nonsense. Don't be silly.You're our guests.
783 00:44:47 You guys have got to stay for supper.
784 00:44:50 - No, we couldn't. That's...- No, thank you. We really couldn't...
785 00:44:51 Of course, we're gonnahave to get high first.
786 00:45:19 We're close.
787 00:45:28 This is news to me.I never knew farmers smoked weed.
788 00:45:31 You ever tried farmin' not high?It's borin' as shit.
789 00:45:34 You know, this is great, guys.
790 00:45:36 I kind of always,you know, sort of assumed...
791 00:45:38 that people from the Southwere kinda...
792 00:45:42 A bunch of dumb rednecks?
793 00:45:44 - No.- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not...
794 00:45:46 We do try to keep our inbred son inthe basement when we have company.
795 00:45:50 Guys, I didn't mean it like that. I was just...
796 00:45:57 Look at their faces!
797 00:46:04 Fuck, fuck!
798 00:46:05 Shit, they found us.They found us. They found us.
799 00:46:07 - What do you mean, they found you?- Listen, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
800 00:46:08 Are you boys in some kind of trouble?
801 00:46:10 All right. This is gonna sound crazy,but, basically...
802 00:46:13 we were on a plane to Amsterdam...
803 00:46:15 and we got mistaken for terroristsand we got sent to Guantanamo Bay...
804 00:46:17 and then we escaped and snuckinto America with a bunch of Cubans...
805 00:46:19 and now we're trying to get to Texas...
806 00:46:21 where there's a guywho can help us out...
807 00:46:22 and he's getting marriedto Kumar's ex-girlfriend.
808 00:46:23 Yes.
809 00:46:26 OK. That's cool.
810 00:46:29 - I understand that.- You do?
811 00:46:31 Like the government's never screwedus over before. You know what?
812 00:46:36 Y'all come down here and hidein the basement. I will handle this.
813 00:46:38 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, both.
814 00:46:39 Thank you, thank you.
815 00:46:50 OK. This isn't creepy.
816 00:46:57 What the hell is that?
817 00:47:00 You're walkingtowards the creepy music?
818 00:47:04 Ge...
819 00:47:05 This song rocks, dude.
820 00:47:13 Kumar.
821 00:47:21 Hey, dude, there's a lighter herewith a clown on it.
822 00:47:25 Jesus Christ, there's a fucking monster!
823 00:47:27 God!
824 00:47:39 Hey, you don't happen to havea Baby Ruth on you, do you?
825 00:47:43 No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?
826 00:47:45 That's how Chunk won over Slothin The Goon/es.
827 00:47:48 This thing looks like Sloth?
828 00:47:50 All I saw was the creature's hand.
829 00:47:52 The hand looks like Sloth?
830 00:47:54 The fucking hand of an evil monster,dude. Like fucking claws and shit.
831 00:47:58 Shit.
832 00:48:00 Listen, no matter what, don't letthe creature know that it's ugly, OK?
833 00:48:04 The last thing that we want to dois criticize it or make it feel different...
834 00:48:07 just because it was bornwith horrible deformities.
835 00:48:21 Don't worry. I got rid of 'em.It was just my neighbors.
836 00:48:24 - There's a fricking Cyclops...- No, you got...
837 00:48:25 ...in your basement, man!...a fucking thing, dude!
838 00:48:27 You met Cyrus.
839 00:48:28 - Cyrus.- You named it?
840 00:48:30 Our son.
841 00:48:31 You must have woke him up. He wassupposed to be asleep. I'm sorry.
842 00:48:34 I thought you were joking...
843 00:48:35 when you said you had an inbred sonwho lives in your basement.
844 00:48:38 Well, it ain't a joke.
845 00:48:40 Raylene and I here are siblings,and we get it on.
846 00:48:43 But that don't meanwe ought to be judged.
847 00:48:45 You boys must be awful tiredafter what you've been through.
848 00:48:48 Come with me,I'll show you to your bed.
849 00:48:50 You better go back to sleep, boy!
850 00:48:52 Don't make me come down thereand whip your Cyclops ass!
851 00:48:57 It's tough love.
852 00:48:59 It's the best way.
853 00:49:19 I don't know what I was thinkingdating that douchebag Colton.
854 00:49:22 He is a douchebag.What were you thinking?
855 00:49:25 But it was agony pretendinghis puny, little penis satisfied me.
856 00:49:29 I bet. I bet you've been missingthe thundercock too, haven't you, baby?
857 00:49:33 - Yeah.- Yeah?
858 00:49:36 Yeah, you've been missing it?
859 00:49:37 How much?
860 00:49:38 - A lot.- I bet.
861 00:49:42 Well...
862 00:49:44 - I kind of have this fantasy.- What is it?
863 00:49:48 I thought it'd be kinda coolto bring somebody else in bed with us.
864 00:49:53 Who?
865 00:49:55 Hey, baby.
866 00:50:03 - Yeah!- Yeah?
867 00:50:05 - Yeah.- She's hot, right?
868 00:50:08 Let's do it.
869 00:50:17 Faster, Weedy.
870 00:50:30 Teeth, teeth, Weedy, teeth.
871 00:50:36 - Weedy!- Yeah?
872 00:50:37 - Yeah!- You like that?
873 00:50:49 Putting it in the ass now, Weedy.
874 00:50:54 Yeah, how about that?
875 00:51:21 Wow.
876 00:51:28 Dude.
877 00:51:30 I just had the mostfucked-up nightmare.
878 00:51:32 Come on, man.I was having a really hot dream.
879 00:51:36 Go back to bed, please, dude.
880 00:52:11 Why did we have to leave?Their Goon/es child was kind of cute.
881 00:52:14 I don't care. It tried to fucking bite me.
882 00:52:16 Jesus, every time the two of ustry to get anywhere...
883 00:52:18 it's fucking disasterafter fucking disaster.
884 00:52:21 Jesus, dude.Here, you really need a hit of this.
885 00:52:23 Dude, I don't want a fucking hit!
886 00:52:26 It's your solution to everything,you know that?
887 00:52:28 Think about it.We should be at Colton's already.
888 00:52:31 Hey, chill, we still have two daysto fuck up the wedding.
889 00:52:34 - What?- What?
890 00:52:37 - What?- What?
891 00:52:39 That's what this is all about, isn't it?You want to fuck up the wedding.
892 00:52:43 It's not fucking funny, Kumar.It's not fucking funny!
893 00:52:47 Colton is the only guythat can help us out at this point.
894 00:52:49 I can't believe... I cannot believeyou're willing to fuck that up!
895 00:52:52 I just hate that fucking asshole, OK?
896 00:52:54 Yeah? I like him betterthan I like you right now.
897 00:52:56 - Really?- Yeah.
898 00:52:59 You know what he got me? A job.
899 00:53:01 You know what you got me?Thrown into Guantanamo Bay.
900 00:53:05 - Your job sucks.- Admit it.
901 00:53:06 You're jealous because Vanessafound somebody better than you.
902 00:53:09 What the fuckis that supposed to mean?
903 00:53:11 Better than you! Let me think.
904 00:53:14 Potential future president,or unemployed pothead?
905 00:53:17 Tough. That's tough.That's a tough one for her, isn't it?
906 00:53:20 Yeah, well at leastVanessa's not in Amsterdam...
907 00:53:22 getting plowedby a bunch of European dudes.
908 00:53:25 - What?- Do you really think Maria's...
909 00:53:26 saving herself for you, dude?
910 00:53:28 Right now, she's probably gottwo uncircumcised dicks...
911 00:53:30 dangling in front of her throat.
912 00:53:31 You know what she's gonna do with them?Down 'em into her tonsils?
913 00:53:39 Fucking dick.
914 00:53:44 - That's my hat.- That was my hat, bro.
915 00:53:49 Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria.
916 00:53:51 Asshole!
917 00:53:53 Don't you dare say a fucking wordabout my angel!
918 00:53:58 What the fuck was that?
919 00:54:00 Get up. Get up!
920 00:54:02 Fuck you.
921 00:54:13 Shit.
922 00:54:18 Isn't that a KKK bonfire?
923 00:54:21 Yeah.
924 00:54:24 Yeah, I think it is.
925 00:54:26 Maybe we shouldget the fuck out of here.
926 00:54:29 Yeah. Yeah, dude.
927 00:54:31 Let's do that.
928 00:54:36 The other day, caught a rerunof that show Becker.
929 00:54:39 You know that show?
930 00:54:40 Yeah, that's the onewith that Jew, Ted danson.
931 00:54:44 That blond negro they got on there,he had me in stitches.
932 00:54:47 He's actually pretty funny.
933 00:54:49 Really? You think so?
934 00:54:51 I'm not saying I wouldn'tlynch the guy, but...
935 00:54:54 his timing, it's priceless.
936 00:54:58 Hold up a second.
937 00:55:00 I gotta go drain the main vein.
938 00:55:20 I'll tell ya, Travis...
939 00:55:22 when it comes to feeling good...
940 00:55:24 I'd rate pissin' right up therewith comin' and shittin'.
941 00:55:29 I like to do all three.
942 00:55:31 Yeah, I hear ya.
943 00:55:34 Kenny, come on, man.Hurry the fuck up.
944 00:55:38 You were the one who made medrink that third beer.
945 00:55:42 Hold your horses, peckerwood.
946 00:55:45 Gross! You fucking pissed on me!
947 00:55:48 - You racist fuck!- What the heck?
948 00:55:57 What the nigger was that?
949 00:56:01 This is fucked. We are fucked.
950 00:56:03 Kenny. Travis.
951 00:56:07 What in the tarnation you guys doin'?
952 00:56:09 Good, you brought the keg.Lug that thing over.
953 00:56:12 - Let's go! Come on!- Come on!
954 00:56:13 Let's go, come on!
955 00:56:27 Yeah, then you put little onions on 'emand you steam 'em, they're awesome.
956 00:56:29 Roldy, dude, I'd never thoughtI'd say this in a million years...
957 00:56:33 but the Klan really knows how to party.
958 00:56:35 You gotta try these dogs.
959 00:56:37 - Really?- Oh, yeah.
960 00:56:38 Really know how to...the Klan knows how to party?
961 00:56:40 - Dude, we've got to get out of here!- Jeez, all right, dude, relax.
962 00:56:42 All right, y'all! Come on over hereand we'll sit around the campfire.
963 00:56:46 - Shit, what do we do?- Let's go sit down.
964 00:56:48 Rufus. Next to them marshmallows...
965 00:56:50 - and the graham crackers.- Everybody sit down.
966 00:56:52 Best s'mores we've had in a long time...
967 00:56:55 that's what I'm talking about,that's what I'm talking about.
968 00:56:57 Now. Now I wanteach one of y'all to tell me...
969 00:57:01 somethin'... Porch monkey, kike!
970 00:57:03 ...that you didto a minority this week. Yeah.
971 00:57:06 I tripped a beaner while I waswalking down the stairs...
972 00:57:08 at the Wal-Mart the other day.
973 00:57:12 Guy crashed into a bunch of wine bottles.
974 00:57:14 They made him pay for 'em! Yeah!
975 00:57:19 All right, all right, let's all calm down.
976 00:57:21 White power here, white power here,white power here.
977 00:57:25 Giving him what he deserves.
978 00:57:27 Hebe!
979 00:57:30 All right, I'm back. Next.
980 00:57:33 It better be good. Here.
981 00:57:39 Come on, dude, say something.
982 00:57:44 You know what?
983 00:57:47 I did knee an Indian guy in the balls.
984 00:57:49 That's funny!
985 00:57:52 Yeah, send them Indians back to Africa.
986 00:57:54 Well, you want to hear something realfucked-up and awesome that I did?
987 00:57:58 I took a Korean guy's toothbrushand I rubbed it all over my dick.
988 00:58:03 - You did that?- Well, that's just downright disgustin'.
989 00:58:07 - But I like it!- Yeah!
990 00:58:10 Yeah, I love bein' white.
991 00:58:13 - What the...- Look what we got us here, brothers.
992 00:58:20 Mexicans!
993 00:58:22 Lynch 'em!
994 00:58:25 Come on, come on! Come on!
995 00:58:29 Come on, boys, let's chase themback to the border!
996 00:58:33 Pussy fart!
997 00:58:37 Holy shit!
998 00:58:40 Should we put it out or what?
999 00:58:44 Are they still behind us?
1000 00:58:46 I don't think so.Dude, the Klan is fucking slow.
1001 00:58:52 Hey, flag down this car.
1002 00:58:54 Help! Help! Help!
1003 00:58:58 - Thank you.- Thank you.
1004 00:59:03 Thanks for stopping.
1005 00:59:06 No problem.
1006 00:59:09 Neil?
1007 00:59:10 Gary and Kumar!
1008 00:59:13 - Yeah.- Yeah.
1009 00:59:14 Harold. Harold.
1010 00:59:15 Sorry, man. I forgot.
1011 00:59:19 What are you doing here, man?
1012 00:59:21 This is where God took me.What are you guys doing out here?
1013 00:59:24 We're actually trying to get to Texas.
1014 00:59:27 That's where I'm headed!
1015 00:59:30 What are the odds?
1016 00:59:32 Let's get out of here.
1017 00:59:33 - All right.- Thank you.
1018 00:59:35 Shrooms?
1019 00:59:36 - No. Thanks, though.- No, thank you.
1020 00:59:38 Suit yourself.
1021 00:59:45 Gentlemen, start your engines.
1022 00:59:48 It's gonna be a bumpy fuckin' ride.
1023 00:59:57 We found their phone.
1024 01:00:00 Lee and Patel made a phone call to you.
1025 01:00:05 Now tell us everything you knowabout their terrorist plot.
1026 01:00:07 Terrorist plot? Rold and Kumar?
1027 01:00:10 This is ridiculous.
1028 01:00:12 OK, fine. Fine.
1029 01:00:15 Mr. Rosenberg.
1030 01:00:17 Mr. Gold-stein.
1031 01:00:21 We'll do it your way.
1032 01:00:27 What's this? What do we have here?
1033 01:00:57 It's about seven dollars?
1034 01:00:59 Look, don't insult us, all right?
1035 01:01:01 I don't knowwhat the hell is going on here...
1036 01:01:02 but I'm pleading the Fifthuntil I speak to my lawyer.
1037 01:01:05 You're pleading the Fifth, huh?
1038 01:01:08 Beecher, give me a copyof the Bill of Rights.
1039 01:01:10 The Bill of Rights? Why?
1040 01:01:12 Just do it!
1041 01:01:14 Excuse me.
1042 01:01:18 Five, right?
1043 01:01:19 - Five alive.- Sure.
1044 01:01:21 OK. OK. Good.
1045 01:01:26 You wanna know what I thinkabout the Fifth Amendment?
1046 01:01:36 There it is.
1047 01:01:45 That's what I thinkof the Fifth Amendment.
1048 01:01:50 Why the hell is your ass so dirty?Don't you wipe?
1049 01:01:53 Don't ask questionsyou don't want the answer to, buddy.
1050 01:01:57 What do ya got?
1051 01:01:58 Turns out the FBI was alreadytapping Mr. Goldstein's phone.
1052 01:02:01 - We got what we need.- Wait a second.
1053 01:02:03 You were tapping my phone?
1054 01:02:05 You want to hear the tape?
1055 01:02:06 No. I'm sick of listeningto this dirt farmer. What's the upshot?
1056 01:02:10 Lee and Patel are on their wayto Texas as we speak.
1057 01:02:14 I knew they'd trip up.
1058 01:02:15 Ready the plane.These fuckers are goin' down.
1059 01:02:26 Neil, can you just focus on driving?You've had... Focus on the road.
1060 01:02:30 You've had dozens of shrooms,my friend.
1061 01:02:33 Dude, I was able to performan appendectomy at age 14.
1062 01:02:36 I think I can handlea couple mushrooms.
1063 01:02:39 - Wasn't that just a TV show?- Jesus Christ!
1064 01:02:43 Did you see that unicorn?
1065 01:02:46 Lts horn was so shiny.
1066 01:02:48 So, why are you guys headed to Texas?
1067 01:02:52 Let's just saymy ex-girlfriend's getting married.
1068 01:02:58 The one that got away, huh?
1069 01:03:00 Yep.
1070 01:03:02 Sounds to me like you need a drink.
1071 01:03:04 Road. Neil, please,can you pay attention...
1072 01:03:07 dude, I've got it!
1073 01:03:09 - Yeah, but...- He's a good driver. Stop.
1074 01:03:12 Thanks, man. Cheers, dude.
1075 01:03:15 Really? Drinking?
1076 01:03:23 I have a lost-love story of my own.
1077 01:03:25 Yeah?
1078 01:03:27 Happened on the set of C/ara's Heart.
1079 01:03:29 Sure, sure, yeah.
1080 01:03:31 I'll never forget her.Her name was Tashonda.
1081 01:03:34 She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in.
1082 01:03:36 Her skin was so soft,her lips were so sweet.
1083 01:03:41 She had these tiny,little Hershey Kiss nipples...
1084 01:03:47 that you just wantedto suck on all night long.
1085 01:03:51 Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her.
1086 01:03:54 I said...
1087 01:03:56 "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."
1088 01:04:00 Why did you do that?
1089 01:04:02 I didn't think I could take onthat kind of responsibility.
1090 01:04:07 It was such a big mistake.
1091 01:04:10 Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone...
1092 01:04:12 couldn't you have sexwith whoever you wanted?
1093 01:04:15 Let me be clear.
1094 01:04:16 There is nothing on the planet...
1095 01:04:18 that I love more than a hot, new pussy.
1096 01:04:20 - Sure.- Nothing.
1097 01:04:22 What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P. H?
1098 01:04:25 Patrick Harris.
1099 01:04:26 No, common mistake. Poon handler.
1100 01:04:30 The point is, boys...
1101 01:04:31 even though I love havin' sexwith some hot, random trim...
1102 01:04:36 a day hasn't gone bywhere I haven't thought of Tashonda.
1103 01:04:42 Every time I see a bag ofHershey's Kisses, my balls get so wet.
1104 01:04:52 Here's to you, Tashonda.
1105 01:04:55 - I hope you kept the baby.- Wow.
1106 01:05:32 Hey, honey.What's up?
1107 01:05:35 I found something in your purse.
1108 01:05:38 Why would you go through my purse?
1109 01:05:40 Why would you have a joint...
1110 01:05:41 when you knowit could ruin my political career?
1111 01:05:44 I'm sorry.
1112 01:05:45 What with all the wedding plans,I've just been a little stressed.
1113 01:05:50 It helps me relax?
1114 01:05:52 Marijuana is illegal, Vanessa.
1115 01:05:55 Now, I thought that part of your lifewas in the past.
1116 01:05:57 - It is.- Good.
1117 01:06:01 That's all I need to hear.
1118 01:06:05 Hey, baby.
1119 01:06:08 Look, I know things can be hecticwith the wedding.
1120 01:06:11 But, you know, if you get stressed out,just do what I do.
1121 01:06:15 Snort Zoloft, OK?
1122 01:06:25 What the fuck?
1123 01:06:27 Shit.
1124 01:06:28 Dude, they set up a fucking roadblock!They're gonna find us.
1125 01:06:32 - What are you talking about?- Neil...
1126 01:06:34 I don't know how to say thisany other way, man, but we're fugitives.
1127 01:06:36 Cool.
1128 01:06:39 OK, well, we've got to find a wayto get out of this.
1129 01:06:41 - Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Please.
1130 01:06:43 You act like I've never smuggleda fugitive across state lines before.
1131 01:06:47 Here. Hide in that.
1132 01:06:49 Sorry. It's a little sticky.
1133 01:06:54 Shit.
1134 01:07:01 Yeah.
1135 01:07:04 What the... When were yougonna show me these?
1136 01:07:15 Excuse me.
1137 01:07:17 Wait, Officer!
1138 01:07:19 - Shit.- Hold that car!
1139 01:07:36 Neil Patrick Harris.
1140 01:07:41 Yo.
1141 01:07:44 It is an honor to meet you, sir.
1142 01:07:47 Yeah. I would imagine so.
1143 01:07:52 I'm sure you get this all the time...
1144 01:07:54 but your part in Starsh/p Trooperstruly, truly changed my life.
1145 01:08:01 Really?
1146 01:08:02 How?
1147 01:08:04 Well, no one thought the war againstthe arachnids of Klendathu could be won.
1148 01:08:09 - But you showed the starship troopers...- Neil!
1149 01:08:11 ...that those bugs could be destroyed.
1150 01:08:14 A lot of people think the war on terroris a war that can't be won, right?
1151 01:08:20 That's why I joinedthe department of Homeland Security.
1152 01:08:23 My friend, two words.Starsh/p fuckin' Troopers.
1153 01:08:28 If you want to know the secret of being,you will come with us.
1154 01:08:33 Please. I really need to go.
1155 01:08:35 Yeah, of course. I'm so sorryto bother you. You move along.
1156 01:08:42 Bye.
1157 01:08:45 I love you.
1158 01:08:50 I love you too, Mr. Patrick Harris.
1159 01:08:53 What the...
1160 01:09:01 Holy fucking shit, that was awesome.
1161 01:09:04 Try having that conversationon shrooms.
1162 01:09:06 I deserve an Oscarfor that performance.
1163 01:09:08 - You do!- Dudes...
1164 01:09:09 I'm gonna take a little detouron the way, all right?
1165 01:09:11 - No.- Neil, no.
1166 01:09:12 But we're almost there, man.
1167 01:09:13 - No buts. No buts!- What do you do...
1168 01:09:15 I'm going to a whorehouseand I'm gonna get my fuck on.
1169 01:09:18 If you two don't want to getyour dicks wet, that's fine with me.
1170 01:09:24 I'll get my dick wet.
1171 01:09:47 Pussy, I'm home!
1172 01:09:51 Hello?
1173 01:09:53 Well, well, well. I thought you'd nevershow your face around here again.
1174 01:09:58 What's the matter, Sally? I thoughtI was one of your top customers.
1175 01:10:01 Have you forgotten what happenedthe last time you were here?
1176 01:10:05 Because of you, my best girl quit.
1177 01:10:07 Hey, I paid her good money.
1178 01:10:09 It's not my faultshe didn't lube up.
1179 01:10:11 Besides, I bring you new customers.
1180 01:10:15 - New customers?- No, Neil, that's all.
1181 01:10:18 Thank you. Thank you.Appreciate it. Appreciate it.
1182 01:10:20 Sally. Bring on the lineup.
1183 01:10:25 Line up in the chutes, girls.
1184 01:10:27 Longhorns coming through.
1185 01:10:30 Neil.
1186 01:10:35 Bigger. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger.
1187 01:10:38 Hello, ba...
1188 01:10:41 - What's your name, miss?- Tits Hemingway.
1189 01:10:43 How'd you come up with that?
1190 01:10:45 Well, I have huge tits.
1191 01:10:47 And my favorite bookis A Moveab/e Feast.
1192 01:10:49 I guess that makes sense, yeah.
1193 01:10:52 Well, I hope you're ready for me, Tits...
1194 01:10:54 'cause I'm gonna rock outwith my cock out...
1195 01:10:56 and you're gonna jam outwith your clam out.
1196 01:10:58 It's gonna be magical.
1197 01:11:00 - The whores are on me, fellas.- No, Neil...
1198 01:11:02 - thank you, but we... that's...- Thanks, dude.
1199 01:11:04 Screw that, Roldy.I don't know about you...
1200 01:11:06 but, no offense to the rest of you ladies,I am gonna be taking you two.
1201 01:11:09 No, Kumar. Kumar!
1202 01:11:12 Roldy, you're missing out, brother.
1203 01:11:14 Yo, we need to get back on the road,buddy.
1204 01:11:16 We need...
1205 01:11:21 Well, now, you know, we also supply...
1206 01:11:24 in-room films or a magazine.
1207 01:11:30 Well, if you'd likesome self-satisfaction...
1208 01:11:32 we do have some...
1209 01:11:36 electronic devices right over there.
1210 01:11:42 Just have some coffee. Yeah?
1211 01:11:45 Why don't you lie on the bed?
1212 01:11:48 And tell us what you want us to do.
1213 01:11:50 OK. OK.
1214 01:11:54 Well...
1215 01:11:57 how about...
1216 01:12:00 How about you take off your clothesand make out with each other?
1217 01:12:02 - We've done that before.- We can do that.
1218 01:12:05 - Yeah?- Yeah.
1219 01:12:38 Can you use tongue?
1220 01:12:46 Bump your titty on her titty.
1221 01:12:52 Boner achieved!
1222 01:12:55 Great. Now let's get those pants off.
1223 01:12:59 OK.
1224 01:13:00 - You are benevolent human beings.- Yeah, I know.
1225 01:13:04 - Yeah?- We get that a lot.
1226 01:13:05 Yeah. You know what that means,benevolent?
1227 01:13:07 Yeah, I do, actually.
1228 01:13:09 What?
1229 01:13:10 It means we're gonna fuck you so hard...
1230 01:13:12 your dick's gonna be sore for two weeks.
1231 01:13:15 That is exactly, exactly what it means.
1232 01:13:19 You know what bothers methe most, though?
1233 01:13:22 He never once apologizedfor getting me into all this trouble.
1234 01:13:25 I mean, I'm supposed to be with myMaria right now in Amsterdam, OK?
1235 01:13:30 But it's cool.He doesn't know how to say "I'm sorry."
1236 01:13:34 Why do you think that is?
1237 01:13:36 Sparkle, because it's all aboutwhat he wants. It's about him, him, him.
1238 01:13:40 You know. I don't even carebecause... You know...
1239 01:13:43 if he can't be a good friend to me,I'm not gonna be a good friend to him.
1240 01:13:46 - It's done.- Don't say that.
1241 01:13:49 A good friend is hard to come by.
1242 01:13:51 Venus, come on.
1243 01:13:52 Yeah, but if he was a real friend,he would know how to say, "I'm sorry."
1244 01:13:56 That's right.
1245 01:13:57 Thank you, Agnes.
1246 01:14:00 Nail on the head.
1247 01:14:02 It's like right now...
1248 01:14:03 after all the shit that we havebeen through in the last few days...
1249 01:14:08 you know, he's in there havingthe time of his life, having sex.
1250 01:14:16 I never should have left her.
1251 01:14:19 I don't even know...
1252 01:14:21 I don't even know what I was thinking.
1253 01:14:24 I loved her so much.
1254 01:14:26 She was my little baby.
1255 01:14:29 She was my little baby.
1256 01:14:31 Why did I let my little baby go?
1257 01:14:32 Why did I let her go?
1258 01:14:34 You'll find someone else.
1259 01:14:36 No, I won't. Not like Vanessa.
1260 01:14:38 You'll find love again someday.
1261 01:14:40 Yeah, you will.
1262 01:14:43 Did you guys?
1263 01:14:47 No, we're whores.
1264 01:14:49 - Remember?- Yeah.
1265 01:14:58 Oh, my God. Are you OK?
1266 01:15:00 What the hell is going on here?
1267 01:15:01 That prick fucking branded me!
1268 01:15:05 - Stop it.- I warned you, Neil.
1269 01:15:07 Bring it.
1270 01:15:09 - Neil! Neil!- Time to put your dick in the dirt.
1271 01:15:12 - What... Neil! What are you doing?- Come on. Come on. Come on.
1272 01:15:14 - But...- No, Neil.
1273 01:15:15 Neil!
1274 01:15:17 - What about Neil, man?- No, fuck Neil. He just fucked us.
1275 01:15:20 - Neil! Neil!- Come on, come on, come on!
1276 01:15:22 - Come on! Come on! Come on!- Neil!
1277 01:15:24 Come on!
1278 01:15:27 - N.P. H!- No!
1279 01:15:30 Stop! Stop!
1280 01:15:33 Wait, wait, wait, wait!We've got to get Neil.
1281 01:15:34 - Why?- Look, we're stealing his car!
1282 01:15:36 - We can't leave him back there.- He stole your fucking car last week!
1283 01:15:40 What was that?
1284 01:15:42 - Hurry up.- Neil!
1285 01:15:43 - Hurry up. Come on, man.- Guys.
1286 01:15:45 - All right. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.- Neil, Neil, come on! Come on, man!
1287 01:15:47 - Guys!- Hurry up! Hurry up!
1288 01:15:49 It's not even funny.Hurry up, dude, hurry up.
1289 01:15:51 You can make it, dude.
1290 01:15:52 Oh, my God! Holy shit!
1291 01:15:57 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!- Jesus Christ!
1292 01:16:00 - Neil's dead! Neil's dead!- No!
1293 01:16:03 - Oh, my God!- Get the fuck out of here! Go! Go!
1294 01:16:15 It's the dawn of a new day.
1295 01:16:20 And Neil Patrick Harrisisn't around to see it, man.
1296 01:16:22 Dude, I told you.
1297 01:16:23 Will you please stop saying that?
1298 01:16:26 God.
1299 01:16:27 He's gone.
1300 01:16:30 Maybe he's gotsome family contact info in here.
1301 01:16:33 Dude, I knowI'm not calling Neil's parents.
1302 01:16:36 What's in the bag?
1303 01:16:38 - Holy fuck.- Creepy mask.
1304 01:16:42 A jar with hair in it.
1305 01:16:47 And, like, 12 cans of Mace.
1306 01:16:53 - Look, dude.- Holy shit.
1307 01:16:56 Holy shit, we actually made it.
1308 01:17:05 This is where Colton grew up, huh?
1309 01:17:07 Smell that? That smells like douche.
1310 01:17:16 No, you will remain in this car.
1311 01:17:19 I will go inside alone and, if we're lucky,Colton will help us out.
1312 01:17:22 - Why can't I just...- No. Let me put it another way.
1313 01:17:26 You leave this car,and our friendship is over.
1314 01:17:30 - But, Roldy, I just...- Kumar.
1315 01:17:32 Open the doorand I will cut your fucking balls off.
1316 01:17:35 Jesus. OK.
1317 01:17:40 - Balls.- Go.
1318 01:17:54 Hi, I'm a friend of Colton's.
1319 01:17:56 Thank you.
1320 01:18:41 God damn it.
1321 01:18:42 Vanessa? You OK?
1322 01:18:45 - Kumar? What are you doing here?- Yeah, let me help you up.
1323 01:18:52 I thought you were going to Amsterdam.
1324 01:18:54 Yeah, me too. It didn't work out.
1325 01:18:57 You all right?
1326 01:18:59 - Now, does this hurt when I touch it?- Yeah.
1327 01:19:01 - It does?- Yeah.
1328 01:19:03 This is just what I need.A limp during the wedding.
1329 01:19:07 Can you move it around in a circle?
1330 01:19:10 OK, that's what I figured. It's just yourATFL. I don't think you tore it, though.
1331 01:19:13 So a little ice and massageshould do the trick. You'll be fine.
1332 01:19:17 Are you gonna tell me why you're here?
1333 01:19:19 Roldy and I ran into some trouble...
1334 01:19:21 and we figured that maybeyour Colton could help us out.
1335 01:19:25 - Still getting into trouble, huh?- A little bit.
1336 01:19:28 You remember that time thatyou broke into the animal lab...
1337 01:19:31 and, like, stole that monkey and put itin Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?
1338 01:19:34 OK, first of all,that was Goldstein's idea...
1339 01:19:36 and second of all...
1340 01:19:37 had I known that the monkey had AldS,I never would have done that.
1341 01:19:40 What about you?
1342 01:19:41 You put those disgusting used tamponsin Professor Konop's purse.
1343 01:19:44 - Remember that?- Come on.
1344 01:19:46 She was a bitch and you know it.
1345 01:19:51 What's going on here?
1346 01:19:54 Hey, she actually felland broke her heel here.
1347 01:19:57 Yeah, I twisted my ankle.Kumar was just looking at it.
1348 01:20:01 - Why aren't you in the car, Kumar?- Dude, I heard her yell.
1349 01:20:03 I thought I told youto stay in the car, man.
1350 01:20:05 It's OK, man.
1351 01:20:07 No worries.
1352 01:20:08 Listen, Roldy filled me inon the situation.
1353 01:20:11 But don't worry. I'll make suremy dad takes care of everything.
1354 01:20:15 Thanks, man.
1355 01:20:16 In the meantime,you are going to the doctor.
1356 01:20:19 Ramon!
1357 01:20:21 Ramon. Please bring Vanessato dr. Harris immediately.
1358 01:20:27 Bye, Vanessa. Hope you feel better.
1359 01:20:31 - Bye.- Bye.
1360 01:20:37 Guys.
1361 01:20:39 All right.
1362 01:20:42 All right, guys. Jet's all fueled.You should be home in no time.
1363 01:20:45 Sweet.
1364 01:20:53 Hey, Colton, I can't believeyou're doing this for us...
1365 01:20:55 on the night before your wedding day.
1366 01:20:56 - I really appreciate it. Thank you.- Please don't mention it.
1367 01:21:00 Just want to make sureeverything works out smoothly.
1368 01:21:03 Are all these planes yours?
1369 01:21:05 No. OK.
1370 01:21:07 Rold, come on, of course they are.
1371 01:21:11 This guy's funny. You're funny.
1372 01:21:12 - Yeah?- Hey, Colton, man.
1373 01:21:15 Listen, I was wrong about you, dude.You're not a douchebag.
1374 01:21:19 Dude.
1375 01:21:20 You know what I mean.I mean, you're a good dude.
1376 01:21:22 And I'm happy for you and Vanessa.
1377 01:21:26 That's big of you, Kumar.
1378 01:21:28 - I really appreciate it.- Sure.
1379 01:21:30 I just can't wait to get back, man.
1380 01:21:35 You're going back all right.
1381 01:21:38 This time you're not escaping.
1382 01:21:40 Now!
1383 01:21:42 Go! Move, move, move!
1384 01:21:49 You are a douchebag...
1385 01:21:50 - No....you fucking douchebag, fuck you!
1386 01:21:53 Yeah. The last thing I was lettingyou guys do is ruin my wedding.
1387 01:21:56 - You did this?- Of course he did this.
1388 01:21:58 I thought we were friends, man.How could you betray me like this?
1389 01:22:01 Come on, Rold. You and me?
1390 01:22:03 You let me cheat off youin Advanced Accounting.
1391 01:22:05 Other than that,I could give a shit about you.
1392 01:22:07 Take 'em away, guys.
1393 01:22:09 When we get out of this I'm gonnafucking kick your fucking ass, man!
1394 01:22:11 Boy, you're scaring me.
1395 01:22:13 Well, come on, you're notone of those kung-fu Asians...
1396 01:22:15 you're a fucking pussy banker,for Christ's sakes.
1397 01:22:17 - Fuck you! Fuck you!- I'm gonna rip you up, bitch!
1398 01:22:20 - You'd best watch your back, bitch!- Fuck you, dude!
1399 01:22:22 - Fuck you!- Fuck you!
1400 01:22:25 I'm awesome.
1401 01:22:33 Looks like you boys pickedthe wrong side, huh?
1402 01:22:35 Where's your Koran now?
1403 01:22:39 We're not even Muslim, you moron...
1404 01:22:41 and even if we were,that doesn't make us terrorists.
1405 01:22:44 Hey! I'm talking to you.Get back here!
1406 01:22:56 Man. I can't believe we're going back.
1407 01:22:58 Now do you seewhy I hate Colton Graham?
1408 01:23:01 Now do you see why I hate you?
1409 01:23:04 I asked you specificallyto stay in the car.
1410 01:23:07 I told you our friendship was at stake.
1411 01:23:09 Vanessa fell down.And I was helping her.
1412 01:23:11 - I don't want to hear the excuses!- It's not an excuse!
1413 01:23:13 I don't want to hear the excuses!
1414 01:23:14 - I heard her yelling!- I don't want to hear it.
1415 01:23:23 I'm sorry.
1416 01:23:25 'Kay?
1417 01:23:27 Look at this. Look at this.
1418 01:23:30 I fucked up, OK?
1419 01:23:32 I fucked up and I always fuck up.I am a fuck-up.
1420 01:23:36 You think?
1421 01:23:38 Harold...
1422 01:23:41 you're my best friend, dude.
1423 01:23:43 You mean the world to me, man.I love you.
1424 01:23:46 Queers.
1425 01:23:47 And I promise you, if we figure out...
1426 01:23:48 a way to get out of this,I'm gonna change, OK?
1427 01:23:50 It's not just gonna beabout Kumar all the time.
1428 01:23:52 It'll be about Kumar and Harold.
1429 01:23:58 Harold and Kumar.
1430 01:24:01 I kind of like the first way better.
1431 01:24:03 OK, OK. Harold and Kumar.
1432 01:24:05 Harold and Kumar.
1433 01:24:14 It's not all your fault.
1434 01:24:16 Yeah, it is. I brought weed on the plane.
1435 01:24:19 - You got weed?- No. The other plane.
1436 01:24:25 No, I wish Neil Patrick Harriswere still alive, that guy fucking loves him.
1437 01:24:30 He totally would havebeen able to bail us out.
1438 01:24:34 You just gave me an idea, man.
1439 01:24:36 - What?- I got this.
1440 01:24:40 Hey, Burl...
1441 01:24:41 - I actually still have some weed.- You do?
1442 01:24:45 - Seriously?- Yeah. It's in my pants.
1443 01:24:47 - Hold up.- You want to smoke now?
1444 01:24:49 Just let me...
1445 01:24:50 - Harold, this is definitely not......get it.
1446 01:24:52 ...the time to smoke.
1447 01:25:16 dude, you took Neil's Mace?
1448 01:25:18 Been through a lot of shit,figured we might need it.
1449 01:25:20 Well, good call.
1450 01:25:25 Derek, can I get another water?
1451 01:25:28 What the fuck?
1452 01:25:32 - Keep your hands up.- Please don't shoot us.
1453 01:25:34 - Jesus Christ. OK, OK.- Please don't shoot.
1454 01:25:36 It will be a cold day in hellbefore I let you hijack this plane.
1455 01:25:44 Beecher, what are you doing?
1456 01:25:46 Whose side are you on? I thoughtI told you to stay in the cockpit!
1457 01:25:49 Enough, Fox!I've had enough of your crap!
1458 01:25:51 You think that just because I'm smart...
1459 01:25:53 you can treat melike some dork in gym class?
1460 01:25:56 It's obvious these kids are innocent.But you're too dumb to realize that.
1461 01:26:00 You know, it's people like you...
1462 01:26:03 who make the world thinkthat Americans are stupid!
1463 01:26:05 Well, we're not stupid! And we're notgonna take this shit anymore!
1464 01:26:12 It's OK, guys.
1465 01:26:14 It's all over now.
1466 01:26:16 Everything's gonna be all right.
1467 01:26:23 Jesus!
1468 01:26:30 Fuck!
1469 01:26:32 I don't wanna die!
1470 01:26:34 Kumar!
1471 01:26:35 - What?- I have the parachute!
1472 01:26:38 Come over here.
1473 01:26:39 How the fuck am I supposed to do that?
1474 01:26:42 Swim!
1475 01:26:51 Holy shit.
1476 01:26:52 It's fucking working!
1477 01:26:59 Yeah!
1478 01:27:02 I love you, dude.
1479 01:27:08 Shit!
1480 01:27:12 Don't worry about him. I have an idea.
1481 01:27:14 - What?- Hang on.
1482 01:27:22 Fuck you!
1483 01:27:28 Man, that was so fuckin' extreme.
1484 01:27:32 It was.
1485 01:27:37 - Kumar?- Yeah.
1486 01:27:41 Our dicks are touching, aren't they?
1487 01:27:44 Yeah, I guess they are.
1488 01:27:47 - Yeah.- OK, I was just checking.
1489 01:27:50 Roldy, can you move us out of the way?There's a house coming up down here.
1490 01:27:55 I have no idea what I'm doing.
1491 01:28:05 Dude!
1492 01:28:09 The glass hurt my dick.The glass hurt my dick.
1493 01:28:15 I think I'm OK. Yeah.
1494 01:28:18 - Dude. Dude.- Oh, my God.
1495 01:28:20 - No, shit, dude. You all right?- Fuck! I think so!
1496 01:28:23 We gotta get out of here beforethe people who live here find us.
1497 01:28:25 I know. They're gonna be...
1498 01:28:29 dude? Dude?
1499 01:28:31 What's up?
1500 01:28:37 - No.- Holy shit!
1501 01:28:39 What the hell are y'alldoing in my office?
1502 01:28:43 You'd better start giving mesome answers!
1503 01:28:46 George?We're gonna be late for that wedding.
1504 01:28:48 Shit. It's Cheney. Come on, you guys.Keep quiet. Follow me.
1505 01:28:52 That guy scares the crap out of me.Let's go hide in the guesthouse.
1506 01:28:55 - Come the fuck on.- I'm coming.
1507 01:29:18 - This is a cool room.- Yeah.
1508 01:29:21 Yeah, this is whereI come to escape from work.
1509 01:29:25 - Here?- Yes, sir.
1510 01:29:29 - So who the heck are you guys?- All right.
1511 01:29:32 My name is Harold Lee, sir...
1512 01:29:34 and this is Kumar Patel.
1513 01:29:37 Anyway, we were on a parachuteand we sort of landed on your ranch.
1514 01:29:42 Dude, this is weed.
1515 01:29:44 That's Alabama Kush.
1516 01:29:46 That's only the finest.
1517 01:29:47 So you get high and then you putother people who smoke weed in jail?
1518 01:29:51 - That's so hypocritical.- Dude, look...
1519 01:29:53 Yeah? Well, let me ask yousomething, Kumar.
1520 01:29:55 - You like giving hand jobs?- No, sir.
1521 01:29:58 - You like getting hand jobs?- Yeah.
1522 01:30:01 All right. Well, that makes youa fucking hypocriticizer too.
1523 01:30:04 So shut the fuck upand smoke my weed.
1524 01:30:24 Hey, love.
1525 01:30:25 What are you doing here? It's bad luck.The ceremony starts in a hour.
1526 01:30:30 I just want to let you know...
1527 01:30:32 I had catering get an extra caseof Coors Light...
1528 01:30:34 in case the President comes.
1529 01:30:35 It's his favorite beer.
1530 01:30:36 - Do you think that'll be enough?- I don't know. Yes?
1531 01:30:39 Who cares?
1532 01:30:42 Look, were you able to workeverything out with Kumar and Harold?
1533 01:30:46 Don't worry, Chestnut.I took complete care of 'em.
1534 01:30:58 They thought you guys were terrorizers.
1535 01:31:01 Wait. That's not funny, man.They sent us to Guantanamo Bay.
1536 01:31:05 Fuck! G. Bay?
1537 01:31:08 Tell me you didn't eatthat cockmeat sandwich.
1538 01:31:11 No. No, we did not eat the cockmeatsandwich. We escaped, thank God.
1539 01:31:16 That cockmeat sandwich.That's my favorite.
1540 01:31:19 Oh, my God.
1541 01:31:22 - This is good shit.- I know. I know.
1542 01:31:24 - I laced it with blow.- Fuck.
1543 01:31:26 So it knocks you out, and it keeps yougoing at the same time.
1544 01:31:31 If you like weed so much,why don't you just legalize it?
1545 01:31:34 Are you fucking kidding me?
1546 01:31:36 You know how pissed offmy dad would get if I did that?
1547 01:31:39 Holy shit, dude.
1548 01:31:42 My dad's all up in my shit too,about this whole...
1549 01:31:44 - med school thing, right?- I know.
1550 01:31:45 And it's not that I don'twant to be a doctor, but like...
1551 01:31:48 fucking... sometimes I wonderif he's just encouraging me...
1552 01:31:51 because he knows it'll make me happy...
1553 01:31:53 or because he wants meto carry on his legacy, you know?
1554 01:31:58 You just blew my fuckin' mind.
1555 01:32:11 - Hi.- Hi. You look good.
1556 01:32:13 Daddy.
1557 01:32:15 Yeah, it's W.
1558 01:32:19 I don't need your friendsto tell me what to do anymore.
1559 01:32:23 - No, I'm not being disrespectful.- That's what I say.
1560 01:32:26 I'm just saying thatI can handle my own shit, all right?
1561 01:32:29 I mean, I don't need them to tell mehow to do what I have to do.
1562 01:32:32 Yeah, dude!
1563 01:32:34 Yeah, well you know what?Yeah, well, fuck you, dad.
1564 01:32:36 Fuck you!
1565 01:32:41 - Dude, that was awesome.- You guys are awesome.
1566 01:32:44 - No. No.- You're awesome!
1567 01:32:45 - You are awesomer.- Sir, you are awesome.
1568 01:32:47 Seriously.
1569 01:32:49 Listen, about our situation...
1570 01:32:52 Fuck that. Listen, guys, guys, guys.I am the fucking President, all right?
1571 01:32:56 That means I get to pardon whoeverI want. You guys are in the fuckin' clear.
1572 01:32:59 Don't worry.
1573 01:33:00 - Holy shit. Are you serious? Thank you.- Oh, my God. Thank you, Mr. President.
1574 01:33:04 Yeah.
1575 01:33:05 - Thank you. Thank you.- Don't mention it.
1576 01:33:09 But, listen, to be honest, afterall the shit that we've been through...
1577 01:33:13 I don't know if we can trustour government anymore.
1578 01:33:17 - Trust the government?- Yeah.
1579 01:33:20 Heck. I'm in the governmentand I don't even trust it.
1580 01:33:23 You don't have to believe in yourgovernment to be a good American.
1581 01:33:31 You just have to believe in your country.
1582 01:33:34 Exactly.
1583 01:33:36 - Exactly.- Right.
1584 01:33:38 This is good shit, isn't it?
1585 01:33:41 Yeah, it is.
1586 01:33:43 If you guys need anything else,just let me know, all right?
1587 01:33:47 Actually, Mr. President,there is one thing.
1588 01:33:52 - This really came out great.- Yeah, it did, man.
1589 01:33:55 I lit a lot of these candles.
1590 01:34:10 Great.
1591 01:34:14 - All clear.- Safe to proceed.
1592 01:34:17 He's here! I knew he'd come.
1593 01:34:24 All right, let 'em in.
1594 01:34:29 - What is happen...- Who is that?
1595 01:34:31 - Harold?- Kumar?
1596 01:34:34 Ladies and gentlemen, I apologizefor interrupting this beautiful ceremony.
1597 01:34:38 But there is no way in hell...
1598 01:34:40 that I'm letting the only womanI've ever loved marry that piece of shit.
1599 01:34:44 Security, get them out of here, please.
1600 01:34:47 These guys?No, see, they're with us. Yeah.
1601 01:34:51 Looks like I got a little more pullwith the President than you, bitch.
1602 01:34:57 - What the hell is going on?- I'll tell you what's going on.
1603 01:35:00 Your fiance promisedto get us out of trouble.
1604 01:35:02 But instead he arranged for usto be sent back to Guantanamo Bay...
1605 01:35:06 where we'd be forcedto suck Big Bob's fat dick.
1606 01:35:13 - Is this true?- Yeah, it's true.
1607 01:35:15 I'll take care of this myself.
1608 01:35:19 - OK, wait.- No...
1609 01:35:23 You son of a bitch.
1610 01:35:26 I loved you, man.
1611 01:35:32 - I can't believe this.- Vanessa, let me explain...
1612 01:35:34 Explain?
1613 01:35:36 Explain why you're putting me through...
1614 01:35:38 the most embarrassing momentof my life?
1615 01:35:41 Well, what if I didsomething embarrassing to myself?
1616 01:35:47 Would that make you feel better?
1617 01:35:48 There's nothing you can dothat would be this embarrassing.
1618 01:35:55 I fear that I will always beA lonely number like root three
1619 01:36:03 A three is all that's good and right
1620 01:36:05 Why must my three keep out of sightBeneath a vicious square-root sign?
1621 01:36:10 I wish instead I were a nine
1622 01:36:11 For nine could thwart this evil trickWith just some quick arithmetic
1623 01:36:16 I know I'll never see the sun
1624 01:36:18 As 1.7321
1625 01:36:20 You fucking tool.
1626 01:36:22 Quiet, anus.
1627 01:36:27 Such is my realityA sad irrationality
1628 01:36:31 When, hark, just what is this I see?
1629 01:36:34 Another square root of a three
1630 01:36:36 Has quietly come waltzing by
1631 01:36:39 Together now we multiply
1632 01:36:41 To form a number we prefer
1633 01:36:43 Rejoicing as an integer
1634 01:36:47 We break free from our mortal bonds
1635 01:36:49 And with a wave of magic wands
1636 01:36:51 Our square-root signs become unglued
1637 01:36:53 And love for me has been renewed
1638 01:37:04 You were right.
1639 01:37:06 - That was pretty lame.- Told you.
1640 01:37:10 Look, I can't promise youthe kind of lifestyle that Colton could.
1641 01:37:15 And I can't promise youthat I'm gonna mature overnight.
1642 01:37:18 But what I can promise you is that...
1643 01:37:27 Sorry, I smoked weedwith the President.
1644 01:37:29 I totally forgotwhat I was going to say.
1645 01:37:33 I can promise youthat I will always love you.
1646 01:37:36 And I'll never try and make youinto something that you're not.
1647 01:37:40 So, what do you sayyou take a brother back?
1648 01:37:50 Only if you promise to get meout of this awkward situation...
1649 01:37:52 as soon as possible.
1650 01:37:54 Come here.
1651 01:37:59 Yeah!
1652 01:38:05 That's my boy!
1653 01:38:07 Ku!
1654 01:38:14 Come on.Let's get the hell back to Jersey.
1655 01:38:16 All right, hold on. First we gottado something for my buddy here.
1656 01:38:20 - Got to go somewhere.- Where?
1657 01:38:54 - Hey.- Hey.
1658 01:38:57 - No luck, huh?- No.
1659 01:39:01 Called every hotel in the city.I walked all around.
1660 01:39:04 I just can't find her anywhere.
1661 01:39:06 - We'll find her.- We'll find her, dude.
1662 01:39:12 What?
1663 01:39:14 Oh, my God, there she is.
1664 01:39:21 - Roldy, she's hot.- Dude, go get her!
1665 01:39:29 Jesus, I'm sorry, man.
1666 01:39:32 - So fuck it. Forget about that.- Yeah.
1667 01:39:33 It's probablyjust some Amsterdam fling, all right?
1668 01:39:35 We'll go back to the Jerz...
1669 01:39:36 - in a couple of days, all right?- No.
1670 01:39:39 No, fuck it.
1671 01:39:42 I came way too far.
1672 01:39:43 We went through too much shit to...
1673 01:39:45 I'm gonna talk to her.
1674 01:39:46 No, no, no, dude, don't go in there.
1675 01:39:47 - Come on.- Just wait.
1676 01:39:48 Come on, man.Wait till we get back to Jersey.
1677 01:39:52 What the fuck are you doing?
1678 01:39:53 - C'est quo/ ton puta/n de prob/eme, to/?- Harold!
1679 01:39:56 I didn't understand what you said.
1680 01:39:57 - What the fuck are you doing?- What the fuck are you doing, man?
1681 01:40:00 - You're ruining my shot.- You what?
1682 01:40:03 Get off my set!
1683 01:40:05 I'm so confused. What's...
1684 01:40:07 - What's going on?- Harold, I'm doing a photo shoot.
1685 01:40:10 For H/gh T/mes magazine.
1686 01:40:13 Of course, you're a model.You're very hot. You're a model.
1687 01:40:17 Right. I always wonderedwhat you did for a living.
1688 01:40:19 I'm sorry. So, wait a second.So you're not with this dude?
1689 01:40:22 Are you kidding? Me?
1690 01:40:24 - Yeah.- No.
1691 01:40:26 Anton is like totally gay.
1692 01:40:34 Harold, what are you doing here?
1693 01:40:38 I didn't want to wait ten daysto see you...
1694 01:40:39 so I thoughtI would come and surprise you.
1695 01:40:43 That is so sweet.
1696 01:40:46 OK. It's sweet.
1697 01:40:48 I've been thinking about youthis whole time.
1698 01:40:51 - You have?- I have.
1699 01:40:52 - I missed you so much.- I missed you.
1700 01:41:09 Fuck yeah, dude.
1701 01:41:11 Bang bang, Roldy.
1702 01:41:15 Hello, Maria. My name is Kumar.
1703 01:41:17 - I've heard so much about you.- Hi.
1704 01:41:19 This is Vanessa. Vanessa, Maria.
1705 01:41:20 - Hey.- Hey. How you doing?
1706 01:41:22 Ladies and Roldy, how would youlike to get really fucking high...
1707 01:41:26 since we're in Amsterdam?
1708 01:41:28 - Yeah.- Shall we?
1709 01:41:29 - Sounds like a plan.- Let's do it.
1710 01:47:39 Motherfucker!